Self-esteem and self-confidence are precious commodities. None more so, than in young, vulnerable, and impressionable souls. Both need to be fostered, nurtured and protected.
As I’ve discovered through my research for this post, the internet is saturated with articles on self-esteem and self-confidence. Clearly, it’s a universal topic affecting a lot of people.
In our bid to raise healthy teens and adults, promoting confidence in themselves and their abilities will help take them a long way. And while that’s important, self-esteem is just as crucial. People often equate the two, but there is a marked difference.
To look at the distinctions first –
Self-Confidence
‘Self-confidence is a person’s belief or trust in their own ability.’
What this means is, knowing without doubt, your ability to perform a certain thing or task.
Self-Esteem
‘the term self-esteem is used to describe a person’s overall sense of self-worth or personal value. In other words, how much you appreciate and like yourself.’ Kendra Cherry
Keeping these in mind, I wanted to cover some of the areas and mindsets that our young face, and perhaps how we can help them navigate these challenges. The range of subtopics was endless, so, I hope what I’ve chosen resonates. They’re areas where my own family has been tested of late.
Friendships
One of the most powerful and influential connections in their lives. At times, it may feel they have more sway than us! Friendship groups are so important to social development, and we certainly wouldn’t want to avoid them in order to protect our young ones’ spirits.
Support and connections with other like-minded people are fundamental to feelings of inclusion, acceptance, and self-esteem. Whether the initial link originated at school, or through sport, the arts, or other interests, matters not. And most importantly, friendship is about giving, not just receiving or taking.
There is nothing more uplifting than acceptance. To be accepted by a peer group is everything to a young person. But herein lies potential vulnerability.
It’s scary to think of what is tolerated by some in order to not be excommunicated from a group of friends. Hurtful remarks and bullying eat away at self-esteem so quickly. Starting as a small blemish, it rapidly spreads like mould.
To try and protect them from toxic relationships becomes extremely tricky though and requires delicate manoeuvring.
I’m sure many have experienced as I have; the more we verbalise our concern or try to dissociate them from certain personalities, it’s had the opposite effect. Gone are the days when we could use reverse psychology on our 5-year-old. Now a free-thinking adolescent, they’re well up with this, with some quite proficient at wielding it themselves! God bless them.
I’ve learnt however, that having exposure to negative people, can have positives. While we’re mopping up the mess left behind by these individuals, a print is filed away in the memory, so if they come across another similar personality, hopefully they’ll be identified and given the big detour.
Friendships are not just a one-way street however.
I know I’d be devastated to learn if one of my own was the perpetrator of unkindness or cruelty to another. Our guidance is not only to help them deal with nasty or malicious behaviour, but to ensure they neither retaliate in kind nor instigate the incident.
How many of us have regretted words spoken in anger and in the heat of the moment? For someone who is not normally this way disposed, to do so leaves them feeling terrible about themselves, on top of everything else.
While not condoning bad behaviour or insinuating anyone should accept it, (they absolutely should not!), it’s about teaching them to be the better person and not allowing themselves to be drawn down to another’s low level.
If you haven’t come across Raising Children in your browsing, it is well worth the visit and an excellent website. I’ve included a couple of links below relevant to topic, but you’ll find much more there as well.
I was contemplating broaching the subject of boyfriends/girlfriends in this post, but let’s face it, that’s a whole different circus (hopefully where the clown doesn’t resemble Pennywise), and is probably worthy of a post of its own. Have put it on the to do list.
Mistakes are not Failures
Misjudgement can certainly put a dent in the armour, but it’s not without its positives if we take the time to learn why it happened, and how to avoid it in future. Perception is key.
I would love to eradicate the term ‘failure’ altogether, it carries such negative connotations and with-it emotional indictment.
What we don’t want for our young, is for them to never attempt a task, or aim for that goal, because of fear of perceived failure or making a blunder. That in itself, is a mistake. We’re experiencing this very challenge at the moment in our own household.
Encouraging them to step outside their comfort zones is important. It’s terrifying, absolutely, we can all vouch for that! But I for one, don’t want my children to have regrets about not attempting or striving for something they dearly want, then suffer from the ‘I wish I had of’s’.
To try and avoid a life where mistakes are made is not living. Life is about experiences and continual learning; this includes errors in judgement. Without them, we would never know what to practice or improve on. And with that improvement, comes self-confidence.
So, continue to give them the courage to extend themselves, to not lose sight of their goals. Having that courage in itself also builds confidence.
This is an article I found that talks about, amongst other things, our interpretation and perception of what failure is, and further reasons not to call a mistake a failure.
Challenging Negative Self-talk
This is a hard one, and I’ll admit I struggle with it myself. It makes me even more determined to ensure my children have the tools and strategies to combat it.
Where it originates from is different for everyone. And I don’t think I have ever met anyone who hasn’t subjected themselves to personal chastising and ridicule at some point.
Is it linked to the idea of perfectionism – that to be really good at something, you need to be perfect? What an unrealistic expectation. No wonder it acts like a lead sinker on self-esteem and confidence.
How to challenge it?
- Help them put things into perspective.
While not meeting a personal goal can be disappointing, especially after investing so much of one’s self, how a person reacts makes all the difference.
For example, one student might think “I am so dumb; I’m never going to get this.”
While another would think, “That’s the area I need more work on. I’ll do better next time.”
- Would they say such terrible, hurtful things to their best friend?
One would hope not. Showing kindness and understanding is not just for other people, but to themselves as well.
- Dispute the lies of the inner critic.
Instead, contest them with affirmations. Help them to remember and recognise all the personal milestones they’ve already met and achieved. It’s easy to trivialise one’s accomplishments, but they are something to own and celebrate.
For more about negative self-talk and it’s affects, I found this article quite helpful.
Resilience
Resilience, is someone’s ability to bounce-back or adapt/cope with a certain situation. It’s a characteristic that is developed over time.
It’s unrealistic to expect to go through life without encountering challenging or difficult times. And as much as we want to, we will never be able to protect them from all disappointment, hurt, or mental or emotional pain. Despite our lessons and guidance, life will ultimately be their biggest teacher.
The best I feel I can do for my own young, is to ensure they develop the mindset to recover, cope, and put into perspective, life’s teachings and wisdoms.
In this, it’s important to encourage –
- Positive attitudes
- Supportive networks
- Open communication with trusted confidantes
- Self-care
- Being open to change
- Staying committed
This article from Mind Tools delves deeper into what resilience is; how to overcome and grow from setbacks, about personal control, and cognitive restructuring.
I know at present there’s a lot of buzz-words pertaining to these topics, but I’m glad it’s a subject that’s attracting attention and discussion. It needs to be.
I want my children to know that not being perfect is normal; that being different is what makes us all unique and special. That having self-respect, esteem, and confidence is not conceited or arrogant. And that they are remarkable, full stop.
