As the year draws to a close, and for some parents this means teenagers completing high school, I thought it timely to re-share this post as they head off into the wilds in pursuit of adventure, further education, work placements and future careers. To you all, I wish you the very best.
Leaving home to make a life of their own is one of the most exciting experiences for a young person – though not always for the parents. ‘Empty Nest Syndrome’ can affect any parent or primary care-giver, not only the stay at home mum or dad.
We still have one young adult at home (for how long, who knows?), but our two sons aged 25 and 23 respectively, have long flown the coop, and to be honest, it took quite the adjustment.
As parents we all watch our children venture off, one by one, and we couldn’t be happier for them; heading out into the world, experiencing new things, learning to deal with everyday life, and achieving their goals. The flip side – we are slowly pushed into the next stage of our own lives; and frankly, I’m not ready!
My husband has already forbidden Miss YA to move out before she’s 30! Isn’t it funny how the goal posts change when it comes to their daughters? But the clock’s ticking, and the world is calling. And in all honesty, we would never hold her back from pursuing her dreams.
For those in the same situation, we may still have a little time to transition and prepare, but I’m sure you know as well as I do, how quickly that time will fly.
So, this post is dedicated to all the parents going through a similar scenario or about to. You’re not alone!
While researching, I came across various sites that I’ve included links for at the bottom of this post, and hope you find helpful as I did.
Please note – Separation anxiety and depression are very real. If you are experiencing ongoing symptoms, please do consider seeking professional assistance.
Staying in Touch
With new found freedom and adventures at every turn, ringing mum and dad slips down the list of priorities. We all whinge about their iPhones and Social media, but this is where both come into their own. One thing you can count on, that phone won’t be far from reach. Sharing photos, sending the occasional text/SMS/message to touch base lets them know they are in our thoughts. (And serves as a prompt as well, which doesn’t hurt).
A word of caution however – don’t be clingy. I know it’s hard, but we don’t need to know what they’re doing every minute of the day. Trust that you have brought them up to be responsible adults. Come to terms with the fact that they may make mistakes, who amongst us hasn’t? Perhaps that’s what scares us the most – remembering our own youth! Of course, we will always be there to offer guidance and assistance when needed. The door will always be open, the home warm, the kettle on.
I’m grateful our boys lived locally when they first moved out and would call in occasionally, even if it was to clean out the fridge and use the laundry! I didn’t mind; it gave me the opportunity to lay eyes on them and make sure everything was alright.
For most parents, when children move away from the immediate area, either to University or to pursue a career or employment, not seeing them is the hardest. We imagine all sorts of horror scenarios – and believe me, my imagination is pretty vivid! Check in on their well-being by all means, and continue to foster a close and loving relationship, but at the same time allow them the privacy they deserve as adults.
Though I’ve focused on the parents here, don’t underestimate the change in environment on the younger siblings left behind. They will miss their brother or sister too even if they don’t verbalise it. Encourage them to keep in contact and share in each other’s news.
Your Time to Pursue New or Old Interests
This may be at odds with what you’ve been doing for the last 20 plus years – but it’s time to think about you and what you would like to do. If you have an interest that has continually been thrown in the “one day” pile, well that day has arrived.
My own example – I’ve always loved to read, but it was my children and the volunteer work I did at their schools that first inspired me; to dare dream of writing stories of my own. So, I enrolled in my first Creative Writing course when Miss Teen was 4 years old.
I genuinely admire and sincerely take my hat off to those who manage to pursue their dreams while raising a young family. For me, I couldn’t master the juggle, so it went on the back burner. Mind you, I wouldn’t swap one day with my children or change anything in order for things to have been different.
So now that I can, I’m investing time in my interest. I think what it comes down to as well, is identity. Although we will always be their parents, our assistance is not required as much, or at least in the same way, and it can leave a hole in our lives. But as they are making a new life for themselves, we too need to transition, and discover or re-discover interests or pursuits we’ve put off, and expand our identity boundaries.
Allow Time to Adjust
I don’t know if mourn is too strong a word, but I think in a way we do. Not quite the same as when someone passes, but we certainly grieve the end of an era we hold dear.
As with any other grief or loss we experience in life, we should allow ourselves that period and acknowledge it. Our hearts will be tender for a while, but time will inevitably force us to move on.
I’ve found that settling into new routines, and making a conscious effort to take better care of myself helps. The last thing I want is for my children to feel guilty for pursuing independence and a life of their own!
It is transitional like any other time in our lives – e.g. our own leaving home experiences, getting married, having said children, their first day at school etc. All of these events required transition, and I see this as no different.
Developing a New Relationship with your Young Adult
Our hearts swell with pride as we watch our children mature into adults, and taking those relationships to another level is a wonderful experience. The memories of their childhood will always be there, for you and for them. Cherish the past, but continue to make new memories with them as they enter the next stage of their lives.
Let us embrace the changes, as well as the future sons-in-law, daughters-in-law and grandchildren!
For those of you who have already sent your youngest off into the world, I hope the transition has been kind, and that it has inspired a re-connection with friends, partners and a new sense of self.
Any words of wisdom from your journey are most welcome!
Additional links that I found helpful –
- Empty Nest Syndrome
- Parents Coping When Children Leave Home
- Helping Kids Cope When a Sibling Moves Out
